Introvert Fairy Tales: Red Riding Hood

Introvert Fairy Tales: Red was going to visit her Grandmother for Sunday brunch. Their standing arrangement was that she brought the baked goods and her Grandmother provided the best and strongest Italian coffee known to mankind. Unfortunately one of the downsides of living in a big city is constant hounding on the streets. Not even wearing the ubiquitous hoodie helped. On the way to the bakery from her small flat, Red had already been asked to change her mobile plan, attend four sales on cut price consumer electronics, two parties with live music, use a new brand of hand cream and give to no less than three charitable causes by people with fluorescent t-shirts, dazzling smiles and enviable but intimidating handshake strength.

Once the croissants had been acquired she was heartily sick of these unwanted interruptions. By the time she started getting wolf whistles from creepy guys making vulgar commentary on the size of her body parts, she was practically sprinting to her Grandmother’s house. How difficult should it be to move from Point A to Point B in a city unmolested?

When it came time to leave, her Grandmother (God bless her) brought out a gift for Red from her basket. Red opened the parcel to find an enormous pair of noise cancelling headphones. She was quietly thrilled. No unobtrusive earbuds for her any more, oh no, these things were like half melons on the side of her head.

On her way home the wolf whistles continued and the spruikers were still trapping the unsuspecting in their sales pitches masked as conversation, but Red’s journey was blissfully quiet.

Introvert Fairy Tales: Ariel

Introvert fairy tales: Ariel grew up on a research boat with her dad. She had a happy childhood, helping him in his work as a marine biologist. When she got older her father decided she needed to come out of her shell and have more interaction with people.

She was invited to a party and asked to dance. It didn’t go so well. She never really got her land legs for a start and decided that, all in all, dancing wasn’t really her cup of tea. Everyone else was making small talk. She didn’t say much. She had nothing to contribute on the subjects of reality TV and celebrity gossip. She would happily have spoken for hours about something of substance, but this continual babble was boring her witless.

She went back out on the boat and continued the family vocation. She still doesn’t talk much, but she has been published in a couple of peer reviewed journals.

Introvert Fairy Tales: Snow White

Snow White escapes from her family who follow a strict fruitarian diet and flees into the forest. She is taken in by a bunch of kind and friendly men with stable jobs, but eventually the stress of living in a share house with seven other people who are fond of communal singing leads her to self-medicate and OD.

Her housemates take care of her as best they can, but don’t really understand the problem. Eventually a woodcutter comes along and mentions that he has a cottage not far from here, she’d have her own space and he’s a pretty quiet guy and is out a lot anyway so won’t get underfoot. Snow White nods and moves in to the small extra room in the cottage that very day.

Every second Saturday she goes to have lunch with her seven old housemates and they have a fantastic time (she still loves them dearly) and she has the two whole weeks to recover in peace and quiet.

Grumpy is vaguely jealous of Snow White’s new arrangement and is certain he’d have a different nickname if he got a bit of peace and quiet too. He has been seen hauling timber and construction tools to an undisclosed location.

Introvert Fairy Tales: Rapunzel

Rapunzel is happily sitting in her tower. She uses the quiet and solitude to study and reflect, becoming a leading expert in skyscraper engineering. Someone comes along and starts randomly shouting at her through the window to let him touch her and pull her hair. Whether or not he was drunk, this is completely inappropriate behaviour. She drops hardback books on his head until he goes away. She walks downstairs, collects her books, and goes back to her room. They all lived happily ever after (after the effects of the concussion wore off).